Creating Community

In John, Martha reassures Jesus of her faith that God will provide for everything we ask for. She is looking at a relatively bleak situation, a dead brother. She is asking that He would breathe life into him again, and that Lazarus would rise from the dead. All she had to do was believe.

This idea of “all we have to do is believe” deserves more weight than it carries at surface value. What is believing? Is there a level of “belief” that one must achieve before we’re able to perform these great and mighty things? Is this faith? More, how do we get more of this?

How many accounts were kept out of the Bible of Martha feeling doubt?

“I know what I’ve heard. I know I’m not crazy.” I am feeling doubt. My doubt comes in that my situation seems bleak. Things aren’t looking good and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t see how to come out of this. I am more worried that I misheard or misinterpreted, and that the fruits of my mistake are my present situation.

The other world exists. The Matrix shows this fantastic metaphor for the other world and what it promises and what we’re capable and called to in it.

And yet, we are still unwilling to step into it. Maybe we do every now and again, maybe we dip our toes into that body of water. We’re seldom anxious to dive off the dock into it.

Controlled loss vs a non-losing win.

It may be a loss, and in fact, we’re told that it’s a loss. But it’s a loss that we can take the blows as we see fit, or at least we can entertain that we’re in control of the blows. There is absolutely nothing to win other than the satisfaction of feeling like you’re telling the opposition where and when it can run you over like, when/where it can destroy you.

In a non-losing win, you don’t have that control. You don’t know when the negative is coming. All you know is that you will face opposition but we don’t care about that so much. The other thing we know is that we are promised a real win. We KNOW we will win. Not tomorrow, not on His coming, now.

I am finding difficulty in handing over the reigns, in giving up the controlled loss. I don’t know why I entertain that I will be better off that way, but I seem to love the idea of telling the opposition they’re fine destroying me.

Stepping out of the metaphor and into real life, into my today, is hard for me. If my hand is stuck in the cookie jar because I won’t let go of the cookie, what must I do to let go of the cookie and slide my hand out? How high, my lack of trust. How significant, my lack of faith.

Gears are almost useless when alone. They can be on the perfectly oiled machine, attached so some astronomically efficient axis, spinning with almost no energy loss. The perfectly grooved gear means so little when it’s not attached to some other mechanism. Without it’s teeth meshing with other gears, it accomplishes nothing.

If you accomplish 100% of what you set out to do, would it make a difference? Would it leave you feeling satisfied?

If your gears are detached from one another, it’s difficult to make a difference. Its almost impossible.

My gears aren’t fully separate, but they are certainly skipping. The skips are my mistakes, my struggles. I am not feeling much fulfillment in what I’ve been doing as I focus on improving the efficiency of each individual gear and not the whole machine.  I have worked specifically at improving my “vocational” gear only to find myself looking at something similar to what I walked away from. I am working at my “spiritual” gear, trying to figure out how to actually have a relationship with Him.

Those two gears are separate, and it’s discouraging and frustration. I will not quit but I am sure as hell feeling the tire from a long battle.

Somewhere between listening for His voice and acting out life lies some sort of no mans land. It really isn’t a no mans land, but a trusting man’s land. A faithful man’s land.

This area isn’t baron, it looks nothing like the desert wastelands we see on National Geographic. It’s almost exactly the opposite.

It’s an inundation of choice. It’s a vast world of constant opportunity and significant payoff.

I am tired from swimming. I treat the trusting man’s land as if it’s a no man’s land and I am waiting to hear from Him on where to go, what to do, and how to behave. It’s easy for me to think I’ll do what he tells me when I’m seldom asked to do something. I’d take more responsibility if I knew my efforts would be fruitful. I’d make more decisions if I had a passionate direction to go. I’d work my tail off towards some goal, if I could see the red tape on the finish line.

I’d actually start moving if I had the faith and trust that He’ll be the snow plow in front of me, the shield behind me, and the great conductor making the world dance to the music He’s playing through me.

There seems to be a buzz in the air, a “this year is going to be different,” or at least a “I will think about looking at the possibility of making this year different.” One way or the other, the new year seems to motivate us to make a change. Something about “1/1″ seems to even out the odds, make the opportunities seem not so far off, clean the slate.

We seem to wait expectantly for the new year to decide to make a change in ourselves. We look for some milestone, some pretty on paper way to say “this is when the change will happen.”

This year, I have made no resolutions. I haven’t even thought about what I would change. It seems almost weird to say, and maybe I am avoiding issues in myself that would look good on paper. I would like to see what 2010 has to offer, and am excited to look back at the year and say “Wow, look what He’s done.” 2009 brought one crazy ride, and I expect a strikingly similar 2010. My goal is to hold on tight and never let go. I feel the roller coaster about to get to the “fun part.”

As Christ followers, we are given the gift of living in the world but not of the world. Christ has made us in Him, defined us in Him, and freed us from living of the world.

There’s that scene in the first Matrix where Neo’s eyes hurt and Morpheus says it’s because he hasn’t used them yet. Your eyes show you the whole other world that is very real. We’re all learning to use them for the first times.

With open eyes, you can see the distinction between what was, and what could be. The physical, spiritual, and emotional gratification of the impossible. You can see the freedom that He speaks of.

Stepping out of Living Of the World makes you want to believe that He would lay everything out in front of you. All you have to do was follow what He says, step in line with him, and the banquet table would be set. All worries, desires, stress, happiness, joy, peace, would be addressed or provided by Him. You see the impossible become possible, and all you have to do is follow these steps.

I have misinterpreted and down right disregarded the difference between “living of the world” and “living in but not of the world.

I strived to figure out what not living in the world would be, what that would look like for me. Begged for Him to show me what it was I had to check off my list so I could do it and be blessed.

I am still working on what this all means for me, but a confession of the box I’ve put him in is a start. I have been waiting for the “checklist of evil doings” that’ll never come in hopes of building myself up as a super Christian. I want to ride that high horse and the horse I was on started with me trying to live outside of the world in hopes of “making it” in His eyes.

Donald Miller has a new book out called “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.” Miller exercises his seemingly infinite ability to subtly crush the reader with great insight. “…Million MIles…” parallels the different aspects of a great story with his own personal life.

A lot of struggle has to deal with not being able to see the outcome, or even the direction, of where life is leading. It is difficult to pull back and look at the macro-level direction of life and see what has happened and where you see God affecting it.

Miller’s book crushed me, but in a good way. It forced me to think about the ways that my own life is a “good story” or is a boring one. It made me think about where I’ve been and where I’m going. Matthew 16:2-3 talks about how despite being able to see the trivial things in life, we are unable to see where God is moving.

The power of journaling comes alive under this light. Journaling shows you progress, struggle, and a sense of direction. It is encouraging to see and feel that you’re on the right path.

My story may not be good enough to be a movie, but it is a story in progress and the path feels right.

Men are expected to “do.” Society demands they get jobs, grab life by the horns and provide for themselves, their family, and those in need around them. Men are given this sense of personal responsibility to  provide, produce, and proceed with life under any and all circumstances.

As a culture, we’ve made a list of “oopsies” that are not forgivable. We’ve made a rating system that does not leave room for certain types of error. Sexual deviants, murderers, and drug dealers are difficult to feel sympathy for. When a man’s mistakes surpass our acceptance level, we remove all options and ability for them to take responsibility for their actions and move past it.

Given my last few days, I could write volumes on this idea. Trying to fit them into some sort of overarching blog post would prove itself scattered and almost incoherent.

Thesis: I am arguing that the greatest disregard for the humanity of women is in the sex industry (exotic dancing,  pornography, trafficking, etc) , and the greatest disregard for the humanity of men comes in disabling men to live up the expectations to provide, produce, and (most importantly) proceed.

One of those is completely untouchable for me for more reasons than one. The other, I can do something about.

Living dependent on Christ isn’t the easiest task we have. The Bible is action packed with a whole multitude of different encouragements, teachings, and support for how He will take care of us in time of need. Regardless, it is difficult to take Matthew 11:30 and let it reside in  your heart. Living it in practice is different than reading about it on paper and thinking “oh yeah, wow, it’s just that easy.”

We all have this capacity for a mindset believing that when bad things happen, it’s a direct result of doing something bad. Bad doesn’t come out of good, bad comes out of bad. It’s systematic, it’s predictable, it’s fixable and addressable.

My spiritual walk has seen the peaks and valleys that most are used to. I am working on their familiarity. My perspective is still warped and I feel immense pressure to perform to some standard when I see myself doing bad or bad things happening in my life. I want out of the valley, but the fog is thick and I can barely see the steps in front of me. When bad things do start happening or I see them on the horizon, I immediately fall back to thinking about what I’ve done wrong and what I need to change to make it right, show Him that I’ve got it and that it’s OK. I disregard my, what Manning would call, ragamuffin status for one of general control and persistence towards success.

My you be my focus, my light, my guidance. May my perspective change from that of action/reaction to call/response. May you bless me in ways I need not think of and at times I need not understand. I’d like to, oh that’s a given, but I can rest in your hands, expectant of the food.

Dave Ramsey’s shtick isn’t money, it’s the application of focus. It’s the desire, passion, and motivation to zero in on a specific goal and attack that goal at all costs. It’s Covey, it’s “death before dishonor.” He has been brought to the level he is at with his application of focus towards financial well being. He is not a genius, he is not some wonder-man. He is, though, a leader who is motivated to help individuals alleviate financial burden.

Focusing your intensity on a specific goal is most helpful when the goal is defined, when you know where you’re headed. Beginning with the end in mind.

I am finding myself at the beginning of a new era, the start of a new chapter of my life. This new chapter feels different, feels far more exciting, far more invigorating. My fear is that the flint spark is about to hit the gun powder and the powder is on a table resulting in a poof of smoke: some fun reaction, but nothing of consequence. My prayer is to allow him to change that fear into motivation to put the powder in a gun barrel, propelling me towards a specific target, a goal, His end to have in mind.