Creating Community

I feel like I could write a novel, and I just did, but whatever. In the spirit of using this as a place to puke all the things I’m thinking about…read on. tread lightly. no need to keep your boots at the door cuz there’s enough dirt in this house to make your boots crystal balls.

first…statements that border blasphemy (a good topic, i know). Here’s the statement: I want to be done thanking God for the help He’s providing. Here’s my thoughts. A good friend said tonight in a discussion we were having that the Matrix is a fantastic representation of the difference between your mindsets of being with God, and being without. When you’re with God, you are out of this world. You’re at a whole different level of perception/understanding/whatever. I can’t say I’m 100% with God because I screw up, so intrinsically, I am apart from God. I am trying my hardest to act as if, though. One scene my friend mentioned was that scene where Neo stops the bullets from hitting him. The agents are all chapped that he’s more powerful than he is, so they start shooting at him in the hallway. He just looks up, says no, and the agents fire, he puts up his hand. The bullets drop. A cool scene. We were saying how that’s like when God steps in and protects us, so a thanking is necessary. 

God “stepping in” implies that he was gone. That for whatever inexplicable reason, he decided to swoop in and play the “save the moment” card and we were protected. Aren’t we always protected? Isn’t he always there? I want to stop thanking God because I want my perception, my attitude, to be that He is always with me and that it isn’t that He’s decided to save me this time, but that as I look through the wall of what the world is threatening with, He’s saving me every time. My thanks are due to his love, his grace, his one desire for me to return the love as best I know how. Even the attempt elates Him, so I can screw up (and will) all kinds of times. But I’m frickin tryin…so Thanks be to his love, thanks be to his glory, and thanks be to his protection not just this time, but every time.

Alright, so I’m a smoker. That’s a fun one to spell out. I have smoked for a while, probably like 6 or 7 years.  I quit for the entire time I was dating this woman, a relationship I did a stellar job of screwing up like nobodies business (still working on that hole…). My parents don’t know I smoke, which also, is awkward and strange.

I was thinking about all this and taking a step back trying to figure out what it was about it that I find appealing. When I quit, I was smoking a pack a day and quit cold turkey without, not even a joke, any issues. It was just a “I’m done.” thing. In taking a step back, here’s the trend I see in myself.

When I started smoking, I was trying pretty desperately to find a spot for myself. Figure out where I was in life and what I was doing there. I found myself in the midst of some pot smoking and that lead to my smoking cigarettes. Long story short, quit the pot, not the cigarettes.

When I met Her, finding that purpose seemed like, explicitly defined. I didn’t feel like I was searching any more. I had found my identity through my work, through my schooling, through my relationships with others, and finally, through a woman I love wholly. I quit. Boom, done. There just wasn’t a spot for any more searching.

After we broke up, and maybe a bit before, I started again. The details of my life in that realm aren’t as important as the fact that I’m searching desperately for that last piece to be filled. Life’s taken me on some weird journeys on the other pieces, but this last piece is a really sore spot for me. I have yet to feel any closure to my relationship with Her, although I see it over the horizon. Maybe that’s hope for the end over the horizon, but whatever. Anyway, in my searching, I’ve fallen back to smoking. It’s like in my head, I’ve associated that time in life, that searching, with smoking. 

I’ve always said that I enjoy smoking because I live a pretty fast paced life and smoking gives me 5 minutes every few hours to just…stop. Maybe it’s the nicotine talking, but it isn’t that I’m addicted to the drug, I’m addicted to those quiet times. Those times when I can calm it all down, and perk my ears up to my heart, or to Him. I’ve smoked when I’m searching so I can listen to my heart, and hear what He’s telling me as I run around like a crazy person in between breaks.

That’s goofy! I don’t want to set my time with Him, or the time I’m listening to my heart into little 5 minute sections. “Oh, ok God, here you go. Here’s some time for you so I can check it off the list.” Screw that noise. I want to be listening to what he’s telling me ALWAYS. I want to be able to hear my heart the MOMENT it beats out of step knowing that He’s saying something to me in that time. Wouldn’t that be a quicker way to hear the answer he’s giving my searching anyways? 5 minutes is less than my entire day…

So that’s that. I quit. God fills a hole much bigger, and much more satisfying than she did. He’s the whole pie and will fill the piece I’m praying for in ways I’d never expect, and in a more satisfying way than I’d ever imagine. There are 10 billion other reasons why I probably should quit, but none of them speak so close to my heart as this at this point in my life.

Anticipation is what you feel before your favorite band comes out, before your football team takes the field, or that night before Christmas presents are opened. You know something really cool is going to happen, you know it’s going to be exciting and that you’re going to love it. It’ll be a blast. You’ll throw your hands in the air, scream, maybe even cry. Who knows. In anticipation, you have a general idea for what’s coming. You know what the songs will sound like, you know that the teams will run some great plays, and you might even know the exact presents you’re getting (cheater).

Expectancy requires a bit of a different mindset, though. When you’re expecting, you have a complete lack of knowledge for what’s coming. Mothers are “expecting” because the paths their newborn could take are endless, the ways their family will grow are infinite, sometimes even the gender is unknown. It’s all clouded by this great sense of the unknown. “What’s around that corner?” No idea, but you are banking that it’s going to be pretty awesome, albeit life changing.

It seems almost blasphemous or commanding to say that you’re expecting God to do something. It’s too close to the “go do this, God” that is seen in a bunch of places. 

The times I’ve expected God to do something great, he has. Every single time. Maybe I haven’t been at this long enough to have a “oh, whoops. Not that time.” but I don’t think that’s the case. I got pretty good at blaming God for things not happening. I would, maybe subconsciously, expect God to take care of me in different situations and when I got hurt, I had a pretty easy out. God didn’t take care of me. That’s just great.

I had huge issues in my logic. God didn’t take care of me in the way I wanted him to. He did take care of me in the way He knew was best for me. You hear this a lot, “God will always provide” but it’s not an easy pill to swallow when you’re trapped in your mind’s spider web of “what about this time, what about that time.”

I am learning to see that God’s there every time and that He’s showing me something in the times that I am expecting and don’t see it pan out how I wanted it to. He’s still teaching, still guiding, still holding, still in control. The hard part for me is to see where God’s bringing my attention for that lesson and to hear him quick enough so I don’t miss it.

I expect God to do great things.

There is a fine line that exists between boasting and acknowledging your skills. Boasting encompasses the acknowledgment of your skill set, where acknowledging your skill set doesn’t encompass boasting. 

Waltzing around, bringing excessive light to the things you’re good at does a fantastic job of putting yourself above those around you. It’s impossible to boast without coming down on someone, or making it seem like a “look what I have and you don’t” mentality. You’re acknowledging your skills, but in a way that’s belittling or demeaning.

Acknowledging your skills, on the other hand, brings your cards to the table. It not only lets others know what you have, but it leaves the door open, the spot on the table, for them to bring there stuff. “I do this, how do you compliment it.” 

That said, avoiding boasting by not doing either is tragic, as well. There exists a balance between self awareness and self promotion. A knowing of not only your specific gifts, talents, skills, etc but also the things you’re not so good at. That changes the acknowledgement of your skills to “I do this. I’m really not so good at this. How do you compliment what I have and how can you help with what I struggle with?” 

I have orchestrated the oh so sad tragedy. The song isn’t over, so there’s time to change. I want to focus more on the full acknowledgment of my own skills, both the positive and the negative, as a pursuit of a positive end goal. Move forward without moving over somebody.

This, is Johnny Cash:

So is this:

There’s a pretty stark difference between the two. The picture is from Billboard Magazine in 1970. There’s a whole truck load of history behind that picture. The video, released in 2002, is a cover of a Nine Inch Nails song that Cash did before he died in 2001.

So we’ve got 30+ years of life, 30+ years of experiences, and 30 years of an apparent hell on earth for one man. Yeah, Cash is an American legand, pioneer in his field, spotlight for a lifetime. Who are we? We’re not Johnny Cash, but are we something similar? What can we learn?

Cash plays the song, and even shoots the video, in a sense of “Was it all worth it?” attitude. The big question isdoes he appreciate where he had been and the road he traveled? That is to say, is he happy that he’s gone through such miserable times and life experiences (we’ve all seen Walk The Line)? Not in that “I got away with it” type of way, but in that “All these things made me the man I am today, and I can stand up as someone who isn’t foolishly looking for an answer” way.  It doesn’t always take going through hell to get where you are, but when you’ve tried walking in the darkest of dark, it’s pretty easy to say “There’s no way I’m goin back.”

We don’t need Johnny Cash and his videos and musical talent to teach this lesson. I mean, it’s nice, but he isn’t the man with all the answers. What if he is challenging us to look at ourselves, see how high we’re trying to stack our dirt pile, see where we’re really getting our joy?

Sometimes it takes the darkest of moments for me to realize how insignificant my dirt pile is. I don’t prefer that route, but know when my faith succumbs to foolishness, I still have it in me to learn from it.

I have three “drafts” for things I’ve tried writing down and posting but can’t make the connection between my head, my heart, and my fingers. Annoying. I don’t know why. Instead of forcing something out, I am going to just wait until I can’t NOT write about it.

I went out to eat with a friend yesterday, and maybe the intention was more than “just a meal” but it was good to sit down with her and hang out. Our relationship up to the past week has been strictly platonic and it could very well stay that way. As the night progressed, conversations progressed, and a reoccurring theme came up. In talking, insecurities from both sides came up and a general sense of “please don’t let this hurt, I’m hurting already as it is.” I’ve been there (despite what I might tell people, I think I still am there), and I’ve put people there. I am trying to imagine what it is like to say or do this without mimicking the cliche “oh, i’ll never hurt you” crap that seems nothing more than a line to get someone in bed.

All of this is an indication of a bigger habit of mine, a “I can do this on my own” type of thing. I’ve gotten very good at saying “well, this is how I want this to play out, so this is how I’m going to make it play out” instead of letting what He has in mind guide me. Using Him to get what I want, if not abusing Him or blaming Him when it doesn’t go my way.

I’ve thrown my way out the window. My way has serviced my physical needs pretty well, but has left me feeling really dry and miserable. It’s a weird realization that I’ve been able to do ostensibly whatever I’ve wanted for the past 2 years…and it hasn’t been enough. Seems illogical but there’s a key issue:

“…whatever I’VE wanted…”

I am trying to focus on throwing “me” out the window. It’s a big step for me on a personal level, but I think is a bigger step for myself in relationships (of any kind). I am trying to not let it hurt others, and focus on making sure the product of my failures is an education and not a burnt bridge or breaking a broken heart.

 I will, by no stretch of the imagination, say that I know the first thing about skydiving. I can apply some basic principals, though. 

If there is nothing to hold you afloat through the air, no open wings with which to fly, you’re going to fall pretty fast. And it’s going to hurt when you hit the ground. It doesn’t matter how much wind is beneath you if you don’t have your wings open with which to catch the upstreams.

The quest is to make sure you’re guided correctly and that the wings couldn’t be spread any further. It is a learning phase, of which I have much progress to make. Identifying the things that I can see upfront that will cause failure only leave the things yet to learn to cause the failure, find the ways I’m keeping my wings closed.

Making this about me, taking any sort of glory from doing this, would be more than closing my wings. It’d be a rocket ship attached to my back, plummeting me towards the hard thud below. With great risk comes great responsibility and is something I will need to lift up daily. If I can keep my eyes up and not let distractions come win my attention and focus, I will only fail as I’m learning, but won’t fail as I’m walking.

Although this might not initially portray the positive goal that I set for myself a few posts ago, we’ll get there.

I’ve been on the verge of this cliff for a few months now. We all know how cliffs go, you jump off one and you’re in for some trouble less something miraculous happens. Saying “I’ve been on the verge” doesn’t fully encapsulate where I’ve been. I walked up to it, looked down, said “holy crap, that’s going to hurt” and then walked away. 

Why did I walk away? Was I not ready? Did I have to get more ducks in a row? Fear? I’ve been trying to convince myself that it isn’t any of those things, specifically the last one, but let’s be honest, I walked back because of all of those things.

I’ve wrestled a lot with the ideas of knowing when I am hearing God’s voice. It’s more a struggle with doubt. “How do I know that’s Him talking to me? What if it’s the opposite power that’s pushing doing this?” I can say all I want that I have it in me to follow Christ and to follow what he’s called us specifically to do, but yet, I’m not doing any of that. Big talker with enough action to satisfy some of that “calling” but not enough to operate outside of my “safe zone.”

It’s gotten to that point where I can’t go back. I have been doubting Him in what he’s telling me to do, even in spite of the signs and wonders I wanted to be oh so badly to be a part of. Who’s limiting His power? Me. 

I’ve been working (trying to work…ok maybe just thinking) about the idea that the vision is the important part. I wanted to get the vision down before I made any moves. It’s like “why walk if you don’t know where you’re going.” A good point…but I think the answer, at least for me, is “because standing still is fruitless…and torturous.”

A good friend told me that a good exercise is to write out your eulogy. I’ve avoided it, or just haven’t gotten to it. Maybe because I wanted to get to a place where I could write freely without thinking about all the things going through my head before I wrote it. Didn’t want it to be skewed by that stuff. I think I am worried that the stuff I would write would only be projected answers to my struggles instead of cleaning off the windshield, seeing the vision. Screw that, here goes:

“John Miller: 1984 – When I get to go Home

It is easy to say that John was not a man dedicated to himself. That with more than just his actions, he was dedicated to the people around him and to the people he served. He was a wild, dangerous believer in Christ that guided his actions by looking up. There was no reserved part of him that worried about his well being, he knew he was taken care of. The bible speaks of people being a light to the world. John wasn’t the match in the dark room, he was the torch.

The family he was blessed with knows they have blessed him. They know that his love for them guided every decision he made, and that he did his best to show this love. They could always look to him for guidance, look to him for support, and look to him for their well being. 

People who knew John continue to know John even though he’s home. John hasn’t left us, he’s here. As fires reproduce without losing any of the original volume, we know John is with us still when we see our own torches flaring.”

First time, maybe it needs some polishing. 

“The winter of my discontent/made glorious summer by this Son…”

When I was a in my teens, my dad told me that there are 3 kinds of people in this world: those who help you, those who hurt you, and those who do nothing. He was saying that a good “life motto” would be to surround yourself with only those who help you. I’m pretty sure this isn’t his idea, that he stole it from a book or something but I’ve always remembered this. 

Two reasons why, I suppose. It seems like a good way to make sure you aren’t heading down a poor “path” by having people that hurt you around you. Seemed like a good way to protect yourself. It also makes sure you’ve got people that can advance where you’re at. They can make sure that not only are you not stagnant, you’re moving forward. Taking steps. Achieving any sort of progress, no matter how slow.

Despite this, the saying never quite sank in 100% because it seemed so cut and dry. So…”well, you don’t quite cut it so goodbye” without regard for the person behind the “not helping” or “doing nothing.” What if those are the people that need help the most? Where’s the symbiotic nature of relationship in that?

It’s a good feeling to say, and I’m very comfortable saying it, that the people around me are only those who help me. Makes me feel like I can only be made better, stronger, more confident, etc. I have a wealth of knowledge, experience, advice, and actual genuine care to tap from and that’s incredible.

This isn’t to say that all my friends or colleagues are rocket scientists or incredibly wealthy “successful” business people or anything. In fact, the wealth available is greater than money. Money I can get, the other stuff, I’m working on. What I am saying, though, is that not only have I been surrounded by people that only help me in obvious ways, I feel like I’m taking off my training wheels in looking at anybody and seeing where they’ll help me.

It’s motivating to have that around me and know that I have it in me, somewhere, to do the same for others.

On that note…I’m super stoked for this movie and think everyone should come join us for the Friday at 12:01 am show at Micon on opening day.